Howdy- I’m Heather. I’ve tried to blog before, but the topic I was writing on then, while interesting to me, wasn’t something I made enough headspace for so that I could write about it.
But over the last 6 months I figured something out. Here’s the back story as to how I got to this blog and my current state of being.. .
Over the summer, I was slogging my way to my Weight Watchers meeting. I had my 2.5 year old in tow, and he was being a very good toddler. Which is like being the tallest midget. You may be taller than most midgets, but you’re still short. He was talking about his train, and it made me uncomfortable. My child, while freakin’ adorable, is not the point of those meetings. And I was getting antsy anyway. I had lost my baby weight, but a few new pounds had crept back. My 2nd trainer at the gym had just left the gym, so I was off kilter on working out. So I got up to leave the meeting.
As I got to the door, one of my least favorite members came in. As a long time member of the weight loss mindset, I have found there are really 2 types of folks looking to lose weight – those that understand that less calories in, means less weight, and those that believe there are certain types of “Magical” foods. Combine them, and you’ll loose 50 pounds this month. She was the second type and had hijacked all kinds of WW meetings with her stories. She was vociferously childless, and she had pointed that out on any number of occasions.
As I was leaving she made a big deal of telling my son that he was a big boy and that he could be quiet for the meeting, and that they had “a deal” (sidebar – Ok, childless folks? PLEASE do not try to demonstrate your toddler whispering by telling someone else’s child how to behave as if they were an adult. You think I haven’t tried that? You think that by talking to my kiddo suddenly they will have gained 10 years of maturity and will suddenly stop acting like a typical toddler? Hush, you.)
Ahem. Anyway. So the toddler is stunned, I’m stunned, and we sit back down. And 3 minutes later the toddler talks about trains and the magical food lady turns around, interrupting the meeting and tells him “didn’t we have a deal?”.
The meeting was about over, I’m livid and all these other members try to tell me that he was fine and that she was crazy. (In hindsight, I’m so irritated with myself for not unleashing my temper hounds, but I was taken aback. Blerg). She makes a half-assed apology “I’m a Taurus, we’re just so bull headed, I’m sorry if you felt I overstepped” Astrology/Non-apology? Wow.
So I’m heading home and I’m on the train, and the child is crawling all over me, and it’s hot, and I’m carrying a bag of groceries and silent tears of frustration and rage are sliding down my grubby face (the meeting started with yet another crappy weigh in).
The capper was as we were getting off the subway, the toddler wanted to be carried up the stairs, and I had to say “Mommy can’t right now, she’s carrying groceries, but you’re a big boy, and I know you can get up the stairs.”
Like a little champ he climbed the stairs, whereupon an older gentleman told him “Very good! Here’s a dollar!” I tried to turn it down, and he said, “No, it looks like you need a little help”.
He thought I was homeless. And as I looked down and saw the grubbiness, the outdated t-shirt on the toddler, and my tears start up again, and I kind of get it, but DUDE. (The toddler danced around the sidewalk with a dollar in his hand, oblivious, natch).
I realized that I was tired of feeling like crap about my body. My body has done great things, 1 super healthy baby, 3 marathons, plenty o’ attention from the menfolk over the years (including my lovely husband), currently on a women’s ice hockey team, and could run a 5k tomorrow if I needed to.
My brain was pretty accomplished too- a PhD, major professional accomplishments, public speaking gigs, conferences, and I do really great work for some really deserving youth, AND I am a classical musician. But the really effed up thing? I felt like none of that really mattered unless I was more successful in my weight loss.
Typing it out makes it seem even more ludicrous.
I remembered seeing something online a few weeks earlier “15 things no one will tell Fat Girls, but I will” from The Militant Baker herself, Jes. And it made me cry with recognition. In poking around her site/blog, I came across a quote from Sarai from Colette Patterns about using a curvier model for her latest pattern, and everything kind of came together.
I realized that 1) I could sew pretty well and 2) that I could learn to be a badass at it and 3) trying to fit my body into a specific size was silly and 4) MOST IMPORTANTLY, there wasn’t any sort of asterisk needed next to my resume. My clothing size has absolutely NOTHING to do with my worth as a human being. Nothing. At age 43, it was like someone opened the blinds and let the sunlight in.
I wanted my resume to be asterisk free.
So why blog about it? Well, as I have delved into the world of Indie sewing patterns, and learned about how it works, I realized I wanted to share my makes too! So I need a platform to do that. I don’t think I’m going to achieve Lladybird (’cause she’s awesome) status. I have a toddler, a husband, a hockey team, and a full time job as a counselor for a high school. But I also wanted a public forum to write about this transformation in my thinking. I’m still working through all this. And writing can help.
So basically – sewing=body acceptance.
Blog=my brain processing.
Nice to meet you.